Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
biztheinsane suggested I drabble something for Raito's birthday, tomorrow. What came out was crackfic of the crackiest kind, including L, Raito, and IM gossip, one-sided Matsuda/L, punctured cupcakes, slashed posters, mentions of cybersex and L going commando.

I deserve to be SHOT.


Come To My Terminal

*

justice is hot: hi
justice is hot: a/s/l?
Yagami Raito: Oh, but I'd much like you know your name, first.
Yagami Raito: Maybe you can send a picture of yourself, as well?
justice is hot: initial reaction to strangers similar to that of kira's... 80%, now
Yagami Raito: ... Ryuuzaki?
Yagami Raito: Justice is hot?
justice is hot: ahh, i let misa-san influence my choice in screennames
justice is hot: it was this or "pervert of justice"
Yagami Raito: ...
justice is hot: i apologize for my rudeness, but yahoo!'s welcome page assured me it was the ideal way to open conversation
justice is hot: raito-kun?
justice is hot: yahoo! also expressed concern for using your full name online
justice is hot: i'd hope you understood the sacrifices you would have to make once you came into this investigation
Yagami Raito: Of course. My apologies. I'll sign off right now.
justice is hot: do stay. the surveillance equipment can't catch typed word
Yagami Raito: I really do think I should go. I wouldn't want to compromise the investigation.
justice is hot: it's a chance to say whatever you want...
Yagami Raito: ...
Yagami Raito: Matsuda has been worrying me lately.
justice is hot: oh?
Yagami Raito: A couple of days ago, he asked me what I thought of you. Whether you could be trusted, now that we have the death note.
justice is hot: an unusual display of sense of self-preservation
justice is hot: that is promising
justice is hot: what action would you have me take?
Yagami Raito: I think he should be removed from his current position of knowledge.
Yagami Raito: He might... turn on us, if granted access to the note.
justice is hot: that seems a little harsh
Yagami Raito: Well...
Yagami Raito: Ryuuzaki, I caught him making eyes at you.
justice is hot: well, he is at headquarters twenty-three hours a day
justice is hot: it's normal for humans to seek comfort
Yagami Raito: Comfort? He wants to have SEX!
justice is hot: ... you're blushing, raito-kun
justice is hot: i can see you from this terminal
justice is hot: sex is a perfectly natural need --
Yagami Raito: Not when it's you, it's not. I want Matsuda removed from headquarters.
justice is hot: not when it's me?
Yagami Raito has signed off (10:35:29).


Yagami Raito has signed on (15:07:44).
justice is hot: wb
Yagami Raito: ... Hello.
justice is hot: would you like to resume our conversation where it left off?
Yagami Raito: I want to talk about Misa.
justice is hot: is she troubling you?
Yagami Raito: She always troubles me, but that's not the issue.
Yagami Raito: She's somehow gotten the key to my room.
Yagami Raito: I was ambushed at 3am last night with her in negligee and Candygirl's "Late-Night Love" blaring from an unknown source.
Yagami Raito: Can you ask Watari to replace the locks on my door?
justice is hot: i understand the cause of your discomfort
justice is hot: late-night love is quite the earsore
justice is hot: i much prefer candygirl's earlier work
Yagami Raito: The locks, Ryuuzaki. Yes or no.
justice is hot: of course. you need your rest in order to function to your greatest potential on the case
Yagami Raito: Thank you.
Yagami Raito: If the locks are maximum quality, I might even forget your admittance to enjoying Candygirl.
justice is hot: ah, it's no secret
justice is hot: i've met candygirl. she's quite the young lady
Yagami Raito: Don't tell Misa.
justice is hot: i have no wish to be mauled
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: you have a nice laugh
Yagami Raito: What?
justice is hot: why do you feel the need to stop when i merely complimented you?
Yagami Raito: Boys aren't supposed to say those things about... about other boys.
justice is hot: why not?
Yagami Raito: It's just the way things are.
justice is hot: i'm afraid i don't understand. if misa had said as much, you'd be annoyed, wouldn't you? so when i said it, i gave you an outlet to actually appreciate it
Yagami Raito: I don't need anyone complimenting my laugh.
Yagami Raito: Especially you.
Yagami Raito has signed off (15:45:02).
justice is hot: we must work on that habit
Previous message was not received by Yagami Raito because of error: user Yagami Raito is not available.



Yagami Raito has signed on (17:02:56).
Yagami Raito: DID YOU GIVE MY SCREENNAME TO MISA
justice is hot: wb once again, raito-kun
Yagami Raito: DON'T "RAITO-KUN" ME, DID YOU GIVE MY SCREENNAME TO MISA
justice is hot: i did not know it was a secret
Yagami Raito: ASKDHFLDJ
Yagami Raito has signed off (17:04:34).



L Is A Stupid Letter: I will get my revenge, Ryuuzaki.
L Is A Stupid Letter: You won't know when, and you won't know how.
L Is A Stupid Letter: I'll get you when you least expect it.
L Is A Stupid Letter has signed off (19:27:11).
justice iz hot: wtf????



justice is hot: i've been on the receiving end of some very unusual complaints, raito-kun
L Is A Stupid Letter I have nothing to say to you. I don't care.
justice is hot: i posted my screenname on a pro-kira message board
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: still uninterested?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... What happened?
justice is hot: well, along with my contact information, i posted a rather favorable analysis of kira's behavior to gauge the reaction from his supporters
justice is hot: however, i suspect i gave too much information
justice is hot: my inside knowledge of kira's motives, coupled with my pro-law enforcement screenname, seems to have prompted the general consensus that i am kira in disguise, surfing the internet to clear the misconceptions of my motives
justice is hot: ... are you choking?
L Is A Stupid Letter: I'm fine. Continue.
justice is hot: well
justice is hot: a large number of fans have created screennames similar to mine, in a symbol of devotion
justice is hot: and a similarly large number have recently complained of someone -- someone with a name quite like yours, raito-kun -- threatening revenge on their person and harm to their character
justice is hot: then, not five minutes ago, misa-san came crying to me
justice is hot: very distraught
justice is hot: claiming someone had slashed her candygirl poster
L Is A Stupid Letter: Imagine that.
justice is hot: what do you think about these events?
L Is A Stupid Letter: I think it looks like you need to change her locks as well, Ryuuzaki.



justice is hot: distressing events, raito-kun
justice is hot: distressing
L Is A Stupid Letter: Something the matter?
justice is hot: mogi-san's cupcakes seem to have been repeatedly punctured
justice is hot: they're also drenched in red food coloring
justice is hot: fortunately, they taste no different
justice is hot: i'm afraid this prankster's joke was not as efficient as they wished
L Is A Stupid Letter: Yes. I... I suspect they'll know better, next time.



justice is hot: i must insist that this behavior stop
L Is A Stupid Letter: Something the matter, Ryuuzaki?
justice is hot: i have no problem going without, but yagami-san was most displeased to find my underwear in his sink
justice is hot: full of water, as well
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: You're going without?
justice is hot: do you require proof?
L Is A Stupid Letter has signed off (01:35:45).



L Is A Stupid Letter has signed on (03:55:13).
L Is A Stupid Letter: I need to sleep.
justice is hot: feel free
L Is A Stupid Letter: I can't.
justice is hot: is there anything troubling you?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... No.
justice is hot: did you know...
justice is hot: 65% of the time, hesitation comes only before a lie
justice is hot: in cases where the hesitation manifests itself in text form, the probability is more than half that the pause is a conscious effort made by the hesitator to convey that there is actually a matter at hand
justice is hot: raito-kun?
justice is hot: would you like to cyber?
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: that sounded like it hurt, raito-kun
L Is A Stupid Letter: The floor isn't a pleasant place to land from a three-foot drop.
L Is A Stupid Letter: And no, I don't -- I don't want to cyber.
justice is hot: it's suggested to be the ideal way to relax
justice is hot: you could get some sleep, then
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... I didn't know Yahoo talked about these things.
justice is hot: the dungeons & dragons chat does
L Is A Stupid Letter: We always thought you researched while we slept!
justice is hot: why would you assume that?
justice is hot: one's attention span can't remain fixed on the investigation all night, it's maddening
justice is hot: you never answered my question, either
L Is A Stupid Letter: I did. I said no.
justice is hot: my apologies
justice is hot: you never answered my question truthfully, i should say
L Is A Stupid Letter: You have a lot of nerve, Ryuuzaki.
justice is hot: and you have an invitation to the d&d chat
justice is hot: will you accept?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: I don't see why I should.
justice is hot: i've learned quite a few tricks from sexybabi38462
L Is A Stupid Letter: An eager pupil, are you?
justice is hot: simply happy to pass on knowledge
L Is A Stupid Letter: Are we still only talking about cybersex?
justice is hot: well, if you don't absorb the lessons to maximum capacity, perhaps a more practical approach will be needed
L Is A Stupid Letter: Only you, Ryuuzaki, could talk about possible sex, and not change at all in expression except to bite your thumb.
justice is hot: ah, had you looked a bit lower, you would've seen quite a change indeed
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... The dryer is still broken, isn't it?
justice is hot: last i checked, it was still in pieces
justice is hot: which formed, if i remember correctly, the message "SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS"
L Is A Stupid Letter: Aha, right.
L Is A Stupid Letter: So...
L Is A Stupid Letter: Does this mean you're still going commando?
justice is hot: would you like to come to my terminal and find out?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: Be right there.
justice is hot: this is one time i don't mind the products of your rage, raito-kun
Auto response from L Is A Stupid Letter: I am away from the computer right now.
justice is hot: and it never would've happened without the message board
justice is hot: thank god for kira

(Post a new comment)

	fiendery 2005-02-27 11:28 pm UTC (link)
	[spews root beer float upon reading "it was this or 'pervert of justice'"] XD Okay, okay, I'll finish reading now. [snigger] (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:31 pm UTC (link)
	*grins* Both suit him, I think. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - fiendery, 2005-02-27 11:36 pm UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-27 11:38 pm UTC (Expand)

	philalethia 2005-02-27 11:29 pm UTC (link)
	Best. Thing. Ever. You seriously deserve an award for this. ♥ ♥ ♥ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:31 pm UTC (link)
	Haha, thank you! :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	memlu 2005-02-27 11:32 pm UTC (link)
	Take my love with you wherever you go. <3 (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:33 pm UTC (link)
	I'll hold it close to my girly bits heart. <3 (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - memlu, 2005-02-27 11:46 pm UTC (Expand)

	shukuun 2005-02-27 11:33 pm UTC (link)
	XD <3 *dies laughing* Brilliant. XDDDD *dies again* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:35 pm UTC (link)
	Oh my god, it's crack. Crack, crack, CRACK. XD Thank you. XD (Reply to this) (Parent)

	windbell 2005-02-27 11:35 pm UTC (link)
	I LOVE YOU. XDDDD~~ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:36 pm UTC (link)
	LET'S HAVE SEX (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - windbell, 2005-02-27 11:39 pm UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-27 11:41 pm UTC (Expand)

	bby 2005-02-27 11:38 pm UTC (link)
	I love it! *___* More I say!! (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:40 pm UTC (link)
	Oh man, after this, I don't think I'll ever write again. It's so happily awful, it's like watching the Titantic sink and going "let's videotape it for CCN!" (Reply to this) (Parent)

	katiria 2005-02-27 11:39 pm UTC (link)
	That is incredibly amusing. I'm passing it on to so many people...:) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:41 pm UTC (link)
	Much obliged! (Reply to this) (Parent)

	laylea 2005-02-27 11:41 pm UTC (link)
	This is going straight into my memories. XDDD ♥ (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:42 pm UTC (link)
	*incredibly flattered* :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	yummycoffee 2005-02-27 11:42 pm UTC (link)
	HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME x infinity. justice is hot ah, had you looked a bit lower, you would've seen quite a change indeed" Best. Line. Ever. damn quotes getting in the way oh my HTML (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:46 pm UTC (link)
	Whee! Thank you! I do wonder, though, if it chafes, being so happy when you're wearing jeans and no underewar. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - yummycoffee, 2005-02-27 11:47 pm UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - windbell, 2005-02-27 11:52 pm UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - yummycoffee, 2005-02-27 11:57 pm UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-27 11:59 pm UTC (Expand)

	THANK YOU! fate_repeated 2005-02-27 11:54 pm UTC (link)
	justice is hot: raito-kun? justice is hot: would you like to cyber? justice is hot: ... justice is hot: that sounded like it hurt, raito-kun L Is A Stupid Letter: The floor isn't a pleasant place to land from a three-foot drop. DSFKJDSFKHDS LMFAO XDXD I LOVE YOU GUYS!! ::dies:: (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: THANK YOU! darkeyedwolf 2005-02-27 11:57 pm UTC (link)
	XDDDDDD (Reply to this) (Parent)

	aurora_ookami 2005-02-27 11:58 pm UTC (link)
	I'm about to cry from laughing so hard! *puts this in memories* I love you T_T This is the greatest. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:01 am UTC (link)
	Hee, thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - aurora_ookami, 2005-02-28 12:02 am UTC (Expand)

	bunnychan242 2005-02-28 12:03 am UTC (link)
	That was beautiful!! XD Wow..... (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:12 am UTC (link)
	"Beautiful" was the one word I had been so sure would never describe this fic. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for correcting this. XD (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - bunnychan242, 2005-02-28 12:48 am UTC (Expand)

	naoekun 2005-02-28 12:07 am UTC (link)
	complete brilliance. After you have sex with Darkeyedwolf, I'm next. or else I bust up your dryer! (the intro, incorporating the fact ath L can see/hear also, the poke and Matsuda hitting on L XD but mostly just the fscking awesome screen names. sexy.) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:13 am UTC (link)
	Ooh, detailed feedback! Thank you. Coming up with the screennames was my favorite part, too. >:D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	galerian_ash 2005-02-28 12:14 am UTC (link)
	Oh god, this was so totally perfect! I'm laughing way too much to make a coherent comment here, but thank you so much for making my day (I honestly haven't laughed this much all year) XD (Reply to this) (Thread)

	galerian_ash 2005-02-28 12:15 am UTC (link)
	P.S. Would you mind if I rec this in my LJ? (I've never recced anything before, so I'm not sure if it's the norm to ask first or what ^_^;) (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-28 12:20 am UTC (Expand)

	spuffboy 2005-02-28 12:16 am UTC (link)
	Aasfhdiwahrdiwhiiidishf!! ...WOW. That is all I can say. Have my babies. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:21 am UTC (link)
	*dances for coins!* (Reply to this) (Parent)

	dirtylampshade 2005-02-28 12:16 am UTC (link)
	THAT...was too great. xDDDDD My sister threw things at me for laughing so hard. :3 (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:21 am UTC (link)
	I'm sorry for causing you bodily harm. XDD (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - dirtylampshade, 2005-02-28 12:27 am UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - sw33tpotatoes, 2005-02-28 12:32 am UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-28 12:36 am UTC (Expand)

	biztheinsane 2005-02-28 12:29 am UTC (link)
	NOW WHEN I POST MINE THEY WILL THINK I STOLE FROM YOU BUT OH IT'S WORTH IT *WUV* (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:30 am UTC (link)
	OMG, JUST SAY YOU DIDN'T IT WAS ALL YOUR IDEA ANYWAY (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ramenasaurus 2005-02-28 12:32 am UTC (link)
	...is it so wrong that I just registered myself for the AIM screen name Justice is Hot? I nearly asphyxiated from laughter reading this. Thank you for making my year. :D (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:35 am UTC (link)
	OH MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T! *DEAD DEAD DEAD* (Reply to this) (Parent)

	rhiddle 2005-02-28 12:35 am UTC (link)
	that was terribly amusing, despite the fact that i didn't know who any of these people were. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:38 am UTC (link)
	Death Note, Death Note, Death Note Death Noooooote (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - rhiddle, 2005-02-28 12:47 am UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-28 12:53 am UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - rhiddle, 2005-02-28 12:55 am UTC (Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-28 01:04 am UTC (Expand)

	shinjokitty 2005-02-28 12:38 am UTC (link)
	OH JOY <3 That was beautiful. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:44 am UTC (link)
	Thank yoooou. :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	sxylilwitch 2005-02-28 12:43 am UTC (link)
	DID YOU GIVE MY SCREENNAME TO MISA!? LOL! Death Note AIM drama...I love it. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:44 am UTC (link)
	AIM drama is the best kind of drama, after all. :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	errata_sonata 2005-02-28 12:49 am UTC (link)
	oh my god.... ::shakes with laughter:: LET'S HAVE T3H SEX, BABY. Maybe some of your MAD humor skillz will rub off on me!!! You deserve a harem of beautiful people for this!! dmsdmall;mlkm!!!! ha ha ha...so cool... :3 (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 12:54 am UTC (link)
	Haha, thank you! I'm glad you liked it. <3 (Reply to this) (Parent)

	kadzuki 2005-02-28 01:13 am UTC (link)
	XD that was amusing Now I miss my days on YM ^^;; (Reply to this) (Thread)

	darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 01:47 am UTC (link)
	Hee, thank you. :D (Reply to this) (Parent)

	_ri 2005-02-28 01:35 am UTC (link)
	BEST THING EVAR XDD (Reply to this) (Thread)

	_ri 2005-02-28 01:36 am UTC (link)
	Oh, I loved the characterisation. L's nonchalantness came across perfectly. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

(no subject) - darkeyedwolf, 2005-02-28 01:39 am UTC (Expand)

*is totally speechless* druscilloskayne 2005-02-28 01:54 am UTC (link)

*faints from the reading* and to think that it happened....i assume....spontaneously.... *dies from the amount of even more FUCKING COOL avatars* OMG OMG OMG "cute...very cute...very very cute..." "Dead boys don't say no" "Just fuck him already" "Raito & bananathoughts" "L eating" and a bunch of others... SOOOOOO UNFAIIRRR!!!!!! THis comm is SO SO SO SO SO FUCKING COOL, and the avatars...OMG OMG OMG....SO SO SO FUCKING ROCKS!!!! How can you geniuses create such AWESOME FAB SUPERB BLOODY SWEET avatars!!! *dies again* x_x (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Re: *is totally speechless* darkeyedwolf 2005-02-28 02:20 am UTC (link)
	I think most are up for grabs, as long as you credit. Check the people's userinfo, see who made them. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)(Expand)

Re: *is totally speechless* - druscilloskayne, 2005-02-28 05:00 am UTC (Expand)

---