Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

officialbizness suggested I drabble something for Raito's birthday, tomorrow. What came out was crackfic of the crackiest kind, including L, Raito, and IM gossip, one-sided Matsuda/L, punctured cupcakes, slashed posters, mentions of cybersex and L going commando.

I deserve to be SHOT.


Come To My Terminal

*

justice is hot: hi
justice is hot: a/s/l?
Yagami Raito: Oh, but I'd much like you know your name, first.
Yagami Raito: Maybe you can send a picture of yourself, as well?
justice is hot: initial reaction to strangers similar to that of kira's... 80%, now
Yagami Raito: ... Ryuuzaki?
Yagami Raito: Justice is hot?
justice is hot: ahh, i let misa-san influence my choice in screennames
justice is hot: it was this or "pervert of justice"
Yagami Raito: ...
justice is hot: i apologize for my rudeness, but yahoo!'s welcome page assured me it was the ideal way to open conversation
justice is hot: raito-kun?
justice is hot: yahoo! also expressed concern for using your full name online
justice is hot: i'd hope you understood the sacrifices you would have to make once you came into this investigation
Yagami Raito: Of course. My apologies. I'll sign off right now.
justice is hot: do stay. the surveillance equipment can't catch typed word
Yagami Raito: I really do think I should go. I wouldn't want to compromise the investigation.
justice is hot: it's a chance to say whatever you want...
Yagami Raito: ...
Yagami Raito: Matsuda has been worrying me lately.
justice is hot: oh?
Yagami Raito: A couple of days ago, he asked me what I thought of you. Whether you could be trusted, now that we have the death note.
justice is hot: an unusual display of sense of self-preservation
justice is hot: that is promising
justice is hot: what action would you have me take?
Yagami Raito: I think he should be removed from his current position of knowledge.
Yagami Raito: He might... turn on us, if granted access to the note.
justice is hot: that seems a little harsh
Yagami Raito: Well...
Yagami Raito: Ryuuzaki, I caught him making eyes at you.
justice is hot: well, he is at headquarters twenty-three hours a day
justice is hot: it's normal for humans to seek comfort
Yagami Raito: Comfort? He wants to have SEX!
justice is hot: ... you're blushing, raito-kun
justice is hot: i can see you from this terminal
justice is hot: sex is a perfectly natural need --
Yagami Raito: Not when it's you, it's not. I want Matsuda removed from headquarters.
justice is hot: not when it's me?
Yagami Raito has signed off (10:35:29).


Yagami Raito has signed on (15:07:44).
justice is hot: wb
Yagami Raito: ... Hello.
justice is hot: would you like to resume our conversation where it left off?
Yagami Raito: I want to talk about Misa.
justice is hot: is she troubling you?
Yagami Raito: She always troubles me, but that's not the issue.
Yagami Raito: She's somehow gotten the key to my room.
Yagami Raito: I was ambushed at 3am last night with her in negligee and Candygirl's "Late-Night Love" blaring from an unknown source.
Yagami Raito: Can you ask Watari to replace the locks on my door?
justice is hot: i understand the cause of your discomfort
justice is hot: late-night love is quite the earsore
justice is hot: i much prefer candygirl's earlier work
Yagami Raito: The locks, Ryuuzaki. Yes or no.
justice is hot: of course. you need your rest in order to function to your greatest potential on the case
Yagami Raito: Thank you.
Yagami Raito: If the locks are maximum quality, I might even forget your admittance to enjoying Candygirl.
justice is hot: ah, it's no secret
justice is hot: i've met candygirl. she's quite the young lady
Yagami Raito: Don't tell Misa.
justice is hot: i have no wish to be mauled
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: you have a nice laugh
Yagami Raito: What?
justice is hot: why do you feel the need to stop when i merely complimented you?
Yagami Raito: Boys aren't supposed to say those things about... about other boys.
justice is hot: why not?
Yagami Raito: It's just the way things are.
justice is hot: i'm afraid i don't understand. if misa had said as much, you'd be annoyed, wouldn't you? so when i said it, i gave you an outlet to actually appreciate it
Yagami Raito: I don't need anyone complimenting my laugh.
Yagami Raito: Especially you.
Yagami Raito has signed off (15:45:02).
justice is hot: we must work on that habit
Previous message was not received by Yagami Raito because of error: user Yagami Raito is not available.



Yagami Raito has signed on (17:02:56).
Yagami Raito: DID YOU GIVE MY SCREENNAME TO MISA
justice is hot: wb once again, raito-kun
Yagami Raito: DON'T "RAITO-KUN" ME, DID YOU GIVE MY SCREENNAME TO MISA
justice is hot: i did not know it was a secret
Yagami Raito: ASKDHFLDJ
Yagami Raito has signed off (17:04:34).



L Is A Stupid Letter: I will get my revenge, Ryuuzaki.
L Is A Stupid Letter: You won't know when, and you won't know how.
L Is A Stupid Letter: I'll get you when you least expect it.
L Is A Stupid Letter has signed off (19:27:11).
justice iz hot: wtf????



justice is hot: i've been on the receiving end of some very unusual complaints, raito-kun
L Is A Stupid Letter I have nothing to say to you. I don't care.
justice is hot: i posted my screenname on a pro-kira message board
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: still uninterested?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... What happened?
justice is hot: well, along with my contact information, i posted a rather favorable analysis of kira's behavior to gauge the reaction from his supporters
justice is hot: however, i suspect i gave too much information
justice is hot: my inside knowledge of kira's motives, coupled with my pro-law enforcement screenname, seems to have prompted the general consensus that i am kira in disguise, surfing the internet to clear the misconceptions of my motives
justice is hot: ... are you choking?
L Is A Stupid Letter: I'm fine. Continue.
justice is hot: well
justice is hot: a large number of fans have created screennames similar to mine, in a symbol of devotion
justice is hot: and a similarly large number have recently complained of someone -- someone with a name quite like yours, raito-kun -- threatening revenge on their person and harm to their character
justice is hot: then, not five minutes ago, misa-san came crying to me
justice is hot: very distraught
justice is hot: claiming someone had slashed her candygirl poster
L Is A Stupid Letter: Imagine that.
justice is hot: what do you think about these events?
L Is A Stupid Letter: I think it looks like you need to change her locks as well, Ryuuzaki.



justice is hot: distressing events, raito-kun
justice is hot: distressing
L Is A Stupid Letter: Something the matter?
justice is hot: mogi-san's cupcakes seem to have been repeatedly punctured
justice is hot: they're also drenched in red food coloring
justice is hot: fortunately, they taste no different
justice is hot: i'm afraid this prankster's joke was not as efficient as they wished
L Is A Stupid Letter: Yes. I... I suspect they'll know better, next time.



justice is hot: i must insist that this behavior stop
L Is A Stupid Letter: Something the matter, Ryuuzaki?
justice is hot: i have no problem going without, but yagami-san was most displeased to find my underwear in his sink
justice is hot: full of water, as well
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: You're going without?
justice is hot: do you require proof?
L Is A Stupid Letter has signed off (01:35:45).



L Is A Stupid Letter has signed on (03:55:13).
L Is A Stupid Letter: I need to sleep.
justice is hot: feel free
L Is A Stupid Letter: I can't.
justice is hot: is there anything troubling you?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... No.
justice is hot: did you know...
justice is hot: 65% of the time, hesitation comes only before a lie
justice is hot: in cases where the hesitation manifests itself in text form, the probability is more than half that the pause is a conscious effort made by the hesitator to convey that there is actually a matter at hand
justice is hot: raito-kun?
justice is hot: would you like to cyber?
justice is hot: ...
justice is hot: that sounded like it hurt, raito-kun
L Is A Stupid Letter: The floor isn't a pleasant place to land from a three-foot drop.
L Is A Stupid Letter: And no, I don't -- I don't want to cyber.
justice is hot: it's suggested to be the ideal way to relax
justice is hot: you could get some sleep, then
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... I didn't know Yahoo talked about these things.
justice is hot: the dungeons & dragons chat does
L Is A Stupid Letter: We always thought you researched while we slept!
justice is hot: why would you assume that?
justice is hot: one's attention span can't remain fixed on the investigation all night, it's maddening
justice is hot: you never answered my question, either
L Is A Stupid Letter: I did. I said no.
justice is hot: my apologies
justice is hot: you never answered my question truthfully, i should say
L Is A Stupid Letter: You have a lot of nerve, Ryuuzaki.
justice is hot: and you have an invitation to the d&d chat
justice is hot: will you accept?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: I don't see why I should.
justice is hot: i've learned quite a few tricks from sexybabi38462
L Is A Stupid Letter: An eager pupil, are you?
justice is hot: simply happy to pass on knowledge
L Is A Stupid Letter: Are we still only talking about cybersex?
justice is hot: well, if you don't absorb the lessons to maximum capacity, perhaps a more practical approach will be needed
L Is A Stupid Letter: Only you, Ryuuzaki, could talk about possible sex, and not change at all in expression except to bite your thumb.
justice is hot: ah, had you looked a bit lower, you would've seen quite a change indeed
L Is A Stupid Letter: ... The dryer is still broken, isn't it?
justice is hot: last i checked, it was still in pieces
justice is hot: which formed, if i remember correctly, the message "SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS"
L Is A Stupid Letter: Aha, right.
L Is A Stupid Letter: So...
L Is A Stupid Letter: Does this mean you're still going commando?
justice is hot: would you like to come to my terminal and find out?
L Is A Stupid Letter: ...
L Is A Stupid Letter: Be right there.
justice is hot: this is one time i don't mind the products of your rage, raito-kun
Auto response from L Is A Stupid Letter: I am away from the computer right now.
justice is hot: and it never would've happened without the message board
justice is hot: thank god for kira