this was no chicken. this was evil manifest. (darkeyedwolf) wrote,
this was no chicken. this was evil manifest.
darkeyedwolf

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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

I think it's because growing up with the Backstreet Boys and NSync and those others has given people the perception that it's exactly the same thing. A boyband is a boyband is a boyband. But JE boys are NOT boybands. They're... they're... they're a so much more evolved species of corporate-made celebrities who've sold their life and eternal soul to the mega media monster. -- insomnikat


... did I just preface my pimp post --

The thing you have to understand about JE boybands is that it's not just about the music. And I don't mean that in a "their vaguely synchronized dancing is so much MORE, it touches my SOUL," way, I mean, literally, there's a fucktron more to it -- they're not just singers, they're bred and groomed to be full-time, all-around entertainers, so in addition to albums and videos and etc etc you've also got concerts, stage productions, interviews, DVDs, TV skits and segments and performances, hosting and producing variety shows, music shows, radio shows, let's get mauled by exotic wildlife shows, starring roles in dramas, movies, commercials, appearing in monthly magazines and on really big billboards. These guys sing and dance and act and endorse and do backflips. They do it all in shiny costumes while touching each other.

Now, multiply all that and give it to a large number of bands, with anywhere from two to eight members each.

DO YOU SEE HOW JPOP HAS SUCKED OUT MY SOUL.

join me for your downfall to shiny pop! aka: Everything You Wanted To Know About Boybands But Had Too Many Standards To Ask
part one.





KAT-TUN



--



And you thought all boybands were squeaky-clean bubblegum pop, right? >:D Welcome to KAT-TUN, and immensely popular and unbelievably shameless group made of six hot hot members whose selling point is kind of like SEX SEX SEX, blinking in neon colors, flashing you a little leg.


Here are your members:



The great thing about KAT-TUN (or just the Japanese entertainment industry, really) is that they know their fangirls. Naked? Gay? Naked gay? "Sure," KAT-TUN says, "it's not like we're burdened with shame or anything." Fanservice is deliberate, shirts and optional. You are encouraged to leave your morals at the door.

Please write me porn.

... please?


music.

-- see icon. No, really.

  • Real Face PV. This was their long-awaited debut single, and they are smokin' hot and there is boy-on-boy grinding and it's all very dark and grungy with lots of opportunies for quick handjobs pressed against props in ill-lit corners --
  • Signal PV. Their second video, which actually has plot! They awake from futuristic pods and are sent to Earth in boxes that rain from the sky. ( ...hey, I never said it was a plot that made sense.)
  • A delicious boytouching-filled performance. I particularly like it when Jin's crotch makes out with the camera.
  • Jin and Koki's -- I kid you not -- THRUSTY BLOWJOB DANCE. And did I mention the CROSSDRESSING and FAKE BOOBS and and *flails*
  • I also like it when they roll their hips.
  • They do this a lot.
  • I'm not complaining.
  • HIPSldlfjsdljk. I mean, er, when English lyrics go horribly, hilariously wrong. (read: lyrical genius in the form of "go club get drunk you stupid shit" and "take off your clothes cum in my room.")
  • BEST PEFFORMANCE OF REAL FACE EVER. Jin + impossibly cute little girl with pigtails and cherry barrettes = the most adorable thing I've ever seen, full stop, do not pass go, do not start fantasizing about how much you want to marry him and gives him hordes of daughters fldjkldjkdjk.

    Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.us

    *OVARIES FLUTTER*

  • In October, it was announced that Jin was going on "hiatus" for six months "or longer" to study abroad and improve his English. Though crazy stalker fangirls with internet access, we know he's currently in LA, attending English school by day and getting wasted at clubs and frat parties by night.

    There have been pictures.

    Two words: Pikachu costume.


    clips:

    They'd like to make you think the whole sex god thing comes naturally, but -- well. They are, before anything else, girly twenty-something pop idols whose closest encounter with the female species has been when they crossdress.

    They are hopeless dorks, y'all.

  • SEE WHAT I MEAN. Japanese boybands meets The Outsiders in this musical/stage show as pop stars playing gangsters who are boxers dressing up like clowns. I can't make this shit up.
  • Making of the Signal PV (under PV --> making of.) SO. CUTE. They prank, they giggle, they ride each other! ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR AN IDOL. ♥ ♥ ♥
  • Crossdressing cosplay (Kame as a doctor and Jin his giggly nurse). I love a fandom where I can say "crossdressing cosplay" and it's CANON.
  • There's a man who leads a life of daaanger. I know it's crossed your mind at night: self, you'd say, what would it be like if three jpop idols with bad dye jobs sang Sheekrit Agent Man? Friends, I am here to liberate you from your wondering.
  • Jin -- is kind of an idiot. (Cue KAT-TUN fans: "kind of?") It's charming! But.

    *Wherein he walks straight into a screen.
    *And asks strangers for money.
    *And screams like a girl.
    *Twice.
    *Do you want some car shrimp?
    *Let's ANNOY THE ANIMAL WITH SHARP TEETH, I'm sure that won't cause any problems!
    *WHAT IS HE TRYING TO BE.

    And, for the sake of completeness, here's a fan compilation of The Best of Dumb Jin.

    It's twenty minutes long.

  • Ueda is the quiet, unaffected one, a fairy princess among mere mortals, a tortured artist with a love for Gackt so deep that he used to dye his hair blond and wear blue contacts... and stuff hits him in the face. I SWEAR I LOVE YOU UEDA, it's just, STUFF hitting you in the FACE, oh god I am a horrible person WATCH THIS IMMEDIATELY.
  • So Maru's overlooked, but I'd totally do any guy who had this kinda talent with his mouth.

    ( -- beatboxing. I meant beatboxing.)

  • And more in the "you have to see to believe else you'd just think it was your overactive imagination during a bad acid trip, not that I would know anything about that" category: check out Junno juggling while tapdancing to beatboxing, in a concert where they dressed as pirates. ... yeah.
  • They're hot. They're singing sexily and beckoning to the camera as they make their way to the studio. They bow to all the personnel as they go in.


    picspam!

    KAT-TUN has a complex and delicate inner workings system that relies on their ability to appeal and ensnare; to truly understand them, you must appreciate the efforts of their work and contemplate the materials presented at length.

    You see, KAT-TUN can be summed as follows --

    SEX AND RETARDATION

    -- and it takes a zen mind to fully comprehend, nay, welcome it.

    Observe.


    SEX:


    (Those are both boys, by the way.)



    RETARDATION:




    SEX:




    RETARDATION:



































    ... ladies and gentlemen, KAT-TUN. :))




    Wolfie, I remain unconvinced! Also, that was the lamest picspam ever!






    All the cool girls try to rip Jin's clothes off. Why don't you?
  • Tags: one je pimp to rule them all, standards are for squares, they're so shiny i'm blind
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